Scattered feelings
by Whispers of the wind A-O-3
Summary: "I thought love was only true in fairy tales, meant for someone else, but not for me." (Smash Mouth, "I'm a believer").


Hi, dear readers! Welcome to my first "Hetalia" fic. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did when I wrote it.

Some warnings: 1) I really tried to keep OoC to the lowest level, but I probably could have been better at it. 2) Soft yaoi. 3) English isn't my first language, so I have probably made some mistakes. I would be grateful if you can give me advice, so I can improve my writing skills in this wonderful language.

Disclaimer. I don't own "Hetalia". This is Himaruya's property. I'm only playing with the characters ( ; 3 ) I also published this fic on my AO3 account.

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**{.****ͼͽ****.} Scattered feelings {.****ͼͽ****.}**

**_I _**_thought love was only true in fairy tales, meant for someone else, but not for me. _

**—S**mash Mouth, _I'm a believer._

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**A**rthur had barely made his mind up about the raging love he held for Kiku. What is more, the blond would be sooner obliged to expel it out, and it frightened him just to imagine a scene like that. He must restrain his— dumb— words before they wreaked havoc in this cherished friendship with the Japanese.

"There's such a beautiful night, isn't?" Kiku asked gently as he met Arthur's eyes, which resembled two sparkling peridots under the full moon. The English young nodded absently because he only could look dazzled at the inky-hair, while it rustled by the breeze's kiss.

"I was content you came over." The blond said, rubbing the back of his head. A polite smile appeared on the shortest, and it made Arthur lose his cool. "Ah! D-don't misunderstand me! _Alfred_ is always complaining about my cooking! He asked me for you! I-I wouldn't bother you if my little brother hadn't …!"

A shadow crossed Kiku's brownish eyes, but it disappeared quickly enough.

"I'm glad he likes my food that much," the raven-haired mumbled, "as long as I can be with you both."

"Oh," Arthur spoke inarticulately, "yeah."

They continued walking through the spectacular garden that enclosed Kirkland's mansion, embellishing its isolated façade. A growing mutism fell between them, and Arthur bite his lips, shut the pile of bad words that climbed until his tongue's end.

_Fuck!_ Love was not something he dominated. _Why _did he_ have to fall _for Kiku? Destiny tore his heart apart, using each merciless beating next to the Japanese for accomplish its torture.

The green orbs were placed on Kiku's soft hand, which Arthur had brushed once that night, and sighed. He diverted his look away then. How can he be more than just a friend? Why did he _dare _to wish for _anything_ else? Arthur knew already he was lucky enough by sharing these moments together with Kiku!

Even if it hurts, he must endure it … because Kirkland would not stand a life without the dark-haired young. A sudden fear weighed Arthur's heart down, and he shivered, despite his own reprimands. The mere thought of being left behind by the Japanese can make him feel tiny and weak, like an ant that runs under a magnifying glass.

His ebony-haired friend slowed down his walk, raising his look toward the huge sky, where moon shined beautifully in the middle of this dark-blue blanket. Arthur imitated him as fast as he realized Kiku would love to contemplate the heavenly body that caressed their shapes tonight. The other seemed younger now, and it occurred to Kirkland how pure was Honda's expression: Kiku drew a wider smile as he stared above.

Arthur held his breath, thinking about this mysterious aura over him. Kiku spun around then, meeting their eyes. The English's lips parted, as their owner felt an intense dizziness catching him. A wave of love beat his heart, scattering Arthur's emotions all over his face.

"Is everything alright, Arthur-_san_?" Kiku asked, blinking surprised by this change on the mood.

The aforementioned tightened his fist, and sunk his nails against his palm. The distance between them was broken as quick as an arrow would fly toward its target and— before Arthur himself can stop his precipitate actions— he chases Kiku's hand. Oh, he wanted to hold it, treasure it, kiss it … such a relentless love exploded inside Arthur right now! How would he put into words?

"You always look ravishing!" Arthur declared, trembling. A silence followed his confession, deep and extremely awkward. They remained staring each other without knowing what had just happened a moment ago. "Eh …" The blond finally uttered, trying to say something that got stuck on his throat. A funny, deflated sound came out from his mouth, while the realization hit Arthur's mind. "D-d-did I actually tell you _that_?"

Kiku might not have processed his words until that last self-question, because his face got roses' red in an instant.

"Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-!?" The Japanese took his hand away, as if Arthur's were burning, "_what_'re you saying!?" Kiku also went backwards, scandalized. "_Why _did you-?!"

"I'm sorry!" Arthur said, panicked. "I did not mean to offend you. Geez!" The shame pounded him with its terrible claws, and it was so overwhelming for Kirkland to act kindly after Honda's rejection. However, the blond had never functioned properly at those harsh attachment denials, so the as much mortified he _obviously _felt, he became arrogant. "Either way, you mustn't exaggerate, Kiku. It's a bloody compliment that someone like me tell you so. Y-y-you should be proud, ha, ha, ha!"

The raven-haired swallowed, without composing himself yet, and looked sadly at the English young with a prosecutor's glare on his— often— soft eyes.

"Stop faking your laugh." Despite Kiku's words, the tone was gentle, rather patient. "We— Japanese people— find extremely rude when someone imposes those praises from nowhere."

"Do you?" Arthur did his best attempt to sound dumbfounded. Nevertheless, it was killing him. He wanted to get out from there, and run away so Kiku could find him anymore. "I didn't know. It just slipped my tongue."

"Anyway, I appreciate your kindness."

_Kindness? _Arthur fought the urge to click his tongue. That was not something considerate to say. He had exposed all his burning feelings, so … would Kiku ignore them? That was far worse than if the shortest had thanked him for loving him … or if he had felt disgusted by them.

They had arrived at some point of no return, where it was impossible for Arthur to hold back. 

"You misunderstood me," Arthur told him, calmly, the same way he spoke when they become friends. "I don't want to impose anything to you. I won't look for you if you ask me to, but … I had a crush on you. No," The blond hardened his voice, and Kiku gasped. "I don't. I've loved you, since a long time ago. I need you to know that, Kiku: you're a wonderful friend, and I'm nothing but happy together with you. I just can't keep pretending anymore. Sorry."

His confession remained floating between them as Kiku assimilated it. Honda's brownish eyes were fixed upon Arthur's, anxious and lost. The raven-haired was probably waiting for him to say something more, but he went completely quiet.

A cold breeze blew and shook his golden hair, bringing the Japanese's perfume. It smelled good, like those memories he cherished so much, though they were anything special … just them drinking some tea next to the garden, talking, smiling at each other. He wished to hold him tight, the closest to his chest as he can, so Kiku knows how much he meant to him.

"Is it a joke, Arthur-_san_?" Honda asked with a feeble voice,

The aforementioned reached Kiku's hand once again, and squeezed it as if he was looking for courage.

"Of course, you can't love me back. It doesn't matter. I wish I could make you happy, as you've done with me."

Arthur raised his free hand then and caressed Kiku's silky black hair that resembled a crow's wing. It felt so nice to touch them, but it also was tear him into a thousand pieces now that there was not any hope growing inside his heart.

Kiku opened his eyes wider.

"Arthur-_san,_" Kiku said shakenly, but it felt like a knife making his way toward Arthur's chest. "I-"

_Yeah, I already know it, _the blond thought, holding his breath. Kiku will break his heart— that was the only thing he could do— and he wanted to deal with that on his own. _Hurry. _Once he listened Kiku's rejection, he would work to treat himself. _C'mon! Break my heart. That's the only thing I've ever known_.

A visible blush made his way onto Kiku's cheeks, and just for a moment, Arthur daydreamed about a sweet love. Fuck! He shouldn't expect that! Because he was a fanciful, blunt, obstinate, cynical. Sharp-tongued, prone to rough speech, spacey, he did not know how to express himself, and he used to self-deprecating himself and his such bad luck, he wasn't somebody to love easily,

"I share your feelings," Kiku finally said, and the world stopped rolling. Arthur blinked, sure that he misheard what the Japanese had just proclaimed.

It took him too long to react. Kiku, probably fearing that he would walk away, grabbed him by his shoulders as he lifted his weight on his tiptoes, so he can kiss him. Arthur, taking aback, froze in place. He can see Kiku's eyes closing while the kiss deepened.

The blond remained still during a long moment, tasting the other lips until he finally embraced Kiku, almost unconsciously. It felt great to kiss him under the same stars that had watched both as they fell in love, so long ago.

**THE END **

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Thank you so much for reading!


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